i am just a dreamer wearing sensible shoes

I am much more present on Facebook and Tumblr; if any of you want to be added there please comment for facebook, I'm turnonmyheels at Tumblr [gasp!]

* My life has changed so much in the past two years it's mind-boggling. The major changes as well as my health issues explain the depression. While I'm not as bad as I was at the peak, I'm not all the way recovered. I'm only cooking for myself about 30% of the time. That's an improvement though, I was just eating absolute trash every day. For example, last week I managed to make healthy breakfast and dinner to last the week. This week, I barely managed to get my Soup Group meal ready on time.

* Star Trek Soup Group is currently watching Star Trek Discovery and we are REALLY enjoying it. It's just different enough to be new and interesting.

* I only got an 85 in my how to go to college class. Good thing I took it, huh? I'm currently mid-way through an 8-week English class with a 98 but there are several things yet to be graded. I think I might like the 8 week format slightly better? So long as it's the only class that I'm doing.

* My digestion does not hate me as much as it did, and I'm coping better. \o/

* I am almost through with my Fall Purge. It has been incredibly helpful mentally to do this. I highly recommend it. I most likely would not have even attempted it, but mom handed her leather furniture down to me and I've re-done almost the entirety of the house. When everything is 'done' I'll post some pics. For J's Xmas I'm having 4 of his concert posters framed. That sounds strange but they are *beautiful* and I think he'd like to have some of his own stuff on the wall instead of just mine

* I wish J would find a job at home. I hate his schedule and that he's in Augusta, GA 6 days a week but I love him and it won't last forever. I hope.

*

Despite only eating "safe" foods last week, I had a flare up that left me miserable all week. It de-railed all the momentum I had with exercise, water drinking efforts, and keeping safe food in the house. Yesterday, 10 days after it started, I felt human so I started over.

Again.

I managed to walk 2 miles which took me to 12,000 steps.

With the endorphines that generated I managed to bake egg cups so I could get enough protein with my breakfast (scramble eggs, pour over a piece of ham in the bottom of a muffin tin, bake 350 20 min), shredded up half of a rotisserie chicken, zoodled and sauteed three zucchinis (the only freaking vegetable I can eat) and made a pot of turmeric rice (chicken broth, turmeric, ginger powder, and saffron).

Then I cleaned up the mess and congratulated myself on adulting and functioning with chronic illness. This morning, the egg cup was yummy protein goodness and I'm continuing to feel better.
I've got to learn how to keep going through the flare ups instead of curling up into a ball and being miserable. I see the gastroenterologist again at the end of the month. Here's hoping we can get to the bottom of this. Heh, bottom

Yesterday, I *knew* that today would be an awesome, amazing, kick-ass day that would start with me jumping out of bed and going at it for all I am worth.

I woke up with an IBS attack. So I start my day at 9 instead of 6, but I did spin after all the explosions stop, half-way prettied myself up, and arrived at work at 10:30 instead of 7:45.

So I want credit for doing the things even though things didn't go as planned. I want like, ALL THE CREDIT.

Tomorrow I want to get up at 6, NOT have an IBS attack, go at it for all I'm worth and have the day I wanted to have today.

Meanwhile, I have a hair appointment this afternoon

I spun!

And my butt hurts

\o/

The great deal I found on Craigslist for the Keiser M3 spin bike was ... shady. They wanted a thousand up front before they would refurbish it. I'm not in a place where I can give someone a grand that I may never see again or receive the good I expected. So I followed advice from a dozen 'best spin bike' lists and bought a brand new Sunny Health and Fitness pro for under $400. It's supposed to arrive today.

then I assemble it myself [hopefully]

\o/

And then I will SPIN. With the music I want to listen to profanity and all. AND the fan will be blowing directly on me.

This bike is exactly like the first spin bike I ever used. I can't wait to get on it but my butt sure can it's dreading the ache already

I really wish I hadn't deleted my livejournal for just this one thing.

If anyone doesn't already know Moosesal's husband died unexpectedly last week.

I went out to Colorado for a week and she has since gone to Philly to visit Chris's parents.

I'm very behind at work and life so I'm not around a lot right now. Drop me a comment, email, or message me at facebook if you need to.

To the ladies I emailed I have some followup info

I ... think I'm coming out of this depression. I'm starting AND finishing projects around the house and at work. Sometimes I think, hey great job! Instead of constantly downing myself. This is awesome. Except I've been making some really egregious errors at work. I've had some good excuses about my meds getting mixed up and changed around and fucking me up, but that's only good for so much. At some point, you've got to make yourself stop fucking up and just do better.

So here's me, trying to do better.

I'm getting up in the mornings again. Not early enough for exercise but I'm early at work like I like.

I haven't had a prozac in about a week and I feel better than I did when I was on them. It's time for my PMS so I'll take them for the next few days and see how things go. I wonder if the Prozac while allowing me to do something other than sleep for the past year hasn't done some other things to me that now I'm feeling a bit more like me I can actually do something about them.

Despite all the fucking up, I did get a raise last week. \o/

For some reason my last few LJ entries didn't make it over here so I'm going to copy/paste them here and then delete the old LJ.

January 24
My dear sweet Clay aka the Penguin passed away last night.

Sadly, it was a long struggle at the end. Back in July he came down with a terrible case of shingles. He still had it in September; he also had a boatload of oxycontin for his pain. The oxy on top of his general state of weakness resulted in MULTIPLE falls. He wound up fracturing every single thoracic vertebrae. At the end of October or maybe it was early November he had those vertebrae fused together with a rod.

And that was the beginning of the end. He bounced back and forth from the hospital where he had the surgery, to a local rehabilitation center, and the local hospital. He caught various infections both respiratory and in his incision. At the end, he had double pneumonia, pink eye, and the incision site had developed something they call tunneling.

He passed away at 9:30ish last night; I said goodbye at 6:30

I'm really tired of all this sick and dying. And god damn political fuckwittery.

Can't we have something nice for a change?


February 3

I have in my hands a shiny new gun permit. Back in the stalker!days I went out and got a permit but never bought a gun.

I will be going to the gun store today. I will be buying a gun soon [whatever the waiting period is].

I will be armed and ready when they come for us.

Because I saw FOUR filing cabinets of conceal carry permits in the Sheriff's department I will be taking a conceal carry class because I must be able to defend myself when the god damn Nazi's come.

Plus, break-ins are on the up because my county is now the 3rd highest in heroin related crime.

What a god damned time to be alive.

here are pictures of the girls to make you smile







February 13

Life on Doxepin for IBS:

Sleeping hard having Intense dreams. INTENSE. And often the same exact dream over and over. It's hard to wake up in the morning, like full on depression hard. The drugstore didn't fill the scrip the way it was written. They gave the pills to me in a form that I Can't take them as prescribed or as filled so now, I am taking it at lunch to help stave off the dreams and restlessness at night.

Actual IBS: Holy cow! What a major improvement. I cannot tell you how much a proper movement can improve every aspect of your life. JFC.

Trigger foods that still trigger: Cider. Cantaloupes. Those may have been an isolated incidence though; there were other things going on so I'm going to try one more time before putting them on the No list. Coffee. I had Two cups of coffee Saturday and oh boy. I was flying high on the caffeine, but coffee is a gut stimulant and boy, was I stimulated. One cup of coffee on Sunday [i drink tea the rest of the time] and everything was just fine.

Things I Can Enjoy Again: Dairy but I'm dedicated to the lactase and I'm also not eating it every day. Raw veggies like broccoli, cooked veggies like ASPARAGUS I ate asparagus last night [with a beano cause that's what the gastro-enterologist said to do]. I haven't had asparagus in a year or more. I LOVE VEGETABLES and now I can finally eat them again and stop eating MEAT and Starch at every damn meal. Cooked beans!!!!! I can do chili's and soups!!!!!!

---

Going back to school

I initially thought to go full time this fall. I'm going to slow that down. As long as Trump is in office and the health care industry is in chaos; I'm going to stay in my secure job. We aren't looking at moving for another 8 years or so so there is plenty of time.

There are six classes that I can take as a part time student that will go towards the degree. If I do them a semester or so at a time I can pace myself to entering the program when things will hopefully be less terrifying. Meanwhile, I've placed out of math. HA HA HA. I can't math. I couldn't answer ANY of the math questions on the TEAS practice test so I had to order some math for dummy books. So, I've placed out of math HA but because I didn't take traditional English courses in college I have to take the placement test for English. I asked if having a Bachelor's degree could help me avoid this and they more or less laughed. This knocks me out of starting this semester. I plan to work on my math skills this semester and take a course or two in the fall. I'd do summer but summer is my busy season

---

Grieving

Comes and goes when you least expect it. Everything will be fine and then I'll remember something or see/smell/hear/ and then I'm overwhelmed. We went through Tom's building and took a bunch of his tools and stuff to my house [inheritance]. It fucked me up for the whole weekend.

---

Entertainment

TV continues to be something I'm struggling or just plain not interested in. I'm enjoying Taboo and Vikings was entertaining if uneven. I've started Stitched, The Magicians, and Shadowhunters and I'm underwhelmed by the blahness of them. I had a short resurgence in the DC CW shows but that ended abruptly and I've no idea why.

I got myself a library card and picked up a book for Julia [I've asked her what she wants to read and we're going from there] and I wandered to the Young Adult section and picked up Tamorah Pierce on Andrea's recommendation. Our library isn't open on the weekends due to a lack of funding so I'm going to start utilizing them more to try and get their numbers up.

---

Took the kids and dogs! hiking yesterday. Did a tiny bit of running with Fury. I'm hoping I can keep some momentum going and move a bit every day this week

---

I think that's it

March 8

I gained 15 pounds in two weeks. I wasn't eating that much food. I pondered what it could be; then I discovered my thyroid medication wasn't the correct dose. Further investigation at the pharmacy revealed my dosage has been incorrect since January.

You had ONE job pharmacist. Thanks, CVS. I'm glad it only made me gain 15 pounds and didn't you know, kill me.

I wonder how horribly long it will take to lose. How much money I will have to spend on clothes in the meantime because I really can NOT wear my existing clothes?

/o\

April 4

That new end agreement is my good-bye. I'll be at dreamwidth, same name. Friend me if you like

Went to see Winter Soldier last night. It was *so* good in so many ways, all of which you guys have already talked about I've nodded and agreed with everyone's posts and just rolled around in the joy of a fun, good movie with characters I care about and love.

I saw the non-3D version and I have a couple of questions for those of you who saw the 3D version.

1) There were several moments when both Steve and Natasha's make-up was just wrong. The foundation wasn't smoothly applied, the blush was out of control trying to 'contour' things that didn't need contouring, and the lips were very weirdly [pale pink ice] colored. I wondered if this was noticeable in the 3d version and if not, if it's an issue with making movies shot with different styles of cameras. [anyone who thinks Chris Evans' cheekbones need help with contouring is blind]

2) There was not one shot of Bucky with his Warpaint Camouflage Eyeliner. Not ONE and I was so disappointed not to see it. My friend didn't see it and we were both keeping an eye out for it. What the hell? Did the 3d version get the warpaint and 2d not? I do not understand.

3) I can see a Black Widow movie out of this. Please let us have it

The Spartacus fan in me hopes that Manu Bennett (Crixus the Undefeated Gaul/Slade Wilson) and Cynthia Addai Robinson (Naevia/Amanda Waller) have screen time together. Or at least got to hang around a bit on set of Arrow.

Excellent episode