(no subject)

[turnonmyheels]

Happy belated birthday kadymae

I hope you had a great day!

---

Can I vent for a second? I promise to make it brief.

1) If you *hate* your significant other,

Leave them.

2) If your SO freaks out every other month and screams at you about how the personality you present to the world isn't the REAL you and calls you a liar, a hypocrite, and the sorriest excuse for a human being you've ever met,

Leave them.

3) If your Ex-SO is manipulating the rules of the custody agreement and you can't stand for that

Contact your attorney and work to get the custody agreement changed.

4) If you fight about the SAME thing all the time and you've been to counseling and you've turned yourself inside out and all they've done is nothing?

Leave them.

5) If all of the above is true and the one thing that's keeping you in the cycle is money? Pick up an extra shift, cancel your cable, and your $150/month cell phone bill and LEAVE.

6) If all of the above is true and the one that's keeping you in the cycle is sex? Learn how to masturbate or join a dating service or find a fuck-buddy

7) If you secretly enjoy the drama-llama? Stay, cycle up and down with your SO, and shut the fuck up about it.

8) You made that bed and if you really wanted to get out of it, you WOULD

Yes, it's easy for someone who's never been married or had a kid or shared a pet to say all of these things. No, I really don't know how heart-wrenching your agony is and I REALLY don't understand my friend who can't bring herself to get a divorce because marriage is a covenant with god and if she divorces she'll go to hell, but I do know first hand all about emotionally and mentally abusive relationships. Yes, it's hard and it's scary to get out but if you want to LIVE instead of cowering in fear you have no other choice.

---

Thus ends relationship advice from someone who's never had one that lasted over 18 months.

Comments

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

I love everything about this post, esp. the person who wrote it.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

the person who wrote it loves you back.

[stoney321.livejournal.com]

And you can always be like me: cut people out of your life that don't improve it, regardless of past history, etc. If that's who they are, you can't change them. \

...then again, I'm a bit of a bitch. :D

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

bitches are *so* awesome and empowering and live the life they want to live.

I've about reached the end of my tether, i may be cutting people out soon...

[ldthomps.livejournal.com]

If it's any consolation, your advice sounds like the collective wisdom at ask metafilter. While they may urge folks to DTMFA a Little too often, it's Insane how often people come in saying things like, "sure, she threw a hammer at me, and well... a knife that one time while my toddler was in the room, but I don't want to break up." No! If the relationship is Damaging or Actively Painful? RUN.

It sort of shocked me when my SIL (the social worker) friend-dumped a woman who was abused and wouldn't leave. But she's right, there's only so long you can listen to someone complain and offer them support in leaving before you realize that their choosing to stay anyway is toxic for their friends, too.

Um, which is all a long-winded way of saying that I agree with your post. :D

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

er ... I had to google DTMFA because I am so uncool. HAHA! awesome acronym.

Rickford has reminded me below, that dumping the person whose angst is causing me stress isn't a bad thing.

[ldthomps.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you gotta take care of yourself, and if they just spread their toxic instead of changing it, that's sometimes the only way to go. Or you can say that you've already given them the advice, if they want help moving out you'll be there for them, but you can't hear anything more about the situation not changing for your Own mental health. Sometimes folks get defensive and cut you out then, but that's their own loss.

Yeah, I love Dan Savage - I've seen backlash against him, but I like his rules about being GGG (Good Giving Game) in bed while not doing anything that totally squicks you out (among other advice). :D

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

I don't know anything about him, perhaps I should find out.

Putting it back on them is probably the best thing to do for sure, that gives me an out and rebounds everything back on them!

[ldthomps.livejournal.com]

He's awesome. You can read old Savage Love sex columns here. He's a sex advice columnist who's been around forever - he used to piss me off for being slightly misogynist in the gay man way (ew, vaginas!), but he's gotten more even-handed with age. He and his husband also did the whole It Gets Better project, and I've enjoyed his books (old columns and the one about getting married). His sex advice is often hilariously snarky and awesome.

And yeah, turning it back on them is also the most honest - you've done what you can. Saying you can't take anumore is coming from a place of concern for them - and your own self. If, in trun, somebody tells you you don't have the right to protect yourself, then, well, it's almost easier from there.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

thanks for the links!

[masterrickford.livejournal.com]

Just remember. No matter what you do or say, only they can choose their correct path. If you help them thru and can stay out of the drama, great. If not follow your own advice.
Play in the dirt it helps relieve stress.
I love you.
Your friend.
Rickford

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

You are right, I may need to back away from these folks for a while [or permanently] if they can't control their drama.

It's too fucking hot to play in the dirt!

Mwah

B

[chase820.livejournal.com]

As someone who was in a pseudo-marriage for 7 years of her twenties (living together and everything else), I say your advice is spot-on. In the immortal words of Dan Savage, DTMFA (Dump the Motherfucker Already).

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

I hate it when people ask for advice -- repeatedly -- and never listen to it. It's good to know someone thinks it's good advice

[sassangel.livejournal.com]

Yep, everything you say is true. Full stop.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

I am wise in the ways of other people's problems.

:-)

distance is key