Rape Poll Time

[turnonmyheels]

Heather was over last night. The discussion was heavy as it tends to be when it's just the two of us and we wound up discussing Rape Gate or whatever you call it. We shared our stories with each other, something we had never done before.

Second semester freshman year in college that would have been 1994 a bunch of us girls were hanging out in the dorms drinking, smoking, playing cards as you do and we wound up on the topic of sex, which often happens around women in my experience, or at least happens around me because I enjoy talking about sex.

ANYWAY

9 women in a dorm room all aged 18 - 19
8 of us had been sexually assaulted and/or raped

That ninth woman she was a virgin. She was also raped the next year -- date rape, a guy got her drunk and didn't take no for an answer. Only two of us had been beaten or held at gun/knife point. All of the rapes were by people we knew well and considered to be friend or lover. None at the time confessed to incest. None at that time reported their attack.

I forgot to make the poll anonymous and I apologize for that.

[Poll #1862219]

ETA:

My own stories behind the cut.



I was fourteen-year old virgin dating a seventeen-year old [also virgin]. We weren't allowed to leave my parent's house because of the age disparity. Our dates consisted of renting a movie from Action Video and watching it at the house. Our regular making out got heavier than normal one night, my pants and panties were around my ankles, his pants down around his thighs. One minute he was on top of me kissing me and I was *into* it. He asked if he could. I said yes.

When I felt him press against my vagina with the head of his penis, I freaked out. I started saying, "stop, stop, no, no." I was shaking my head, trying to knee him, pushing him up and away. He covered my mouth with his hand so my parents couldn't hear me yelling at him to stop and then he raped me.

I bled for a week. I continued to date him. Our physical contact never went beyond above the clothes petting after that. He played a 'joke' on me about a week later and told me he had tested positive for HIV. About two weeks after that I told him I was pregnant. I wasn't. I let him stew in that for another couple of weeks before telling him the truth.

He took someone else to the prom.

We broke up right around the time he graduated high school.

He contacted me on Facebook when I first got on there. He sent me several personal messages apologizing for what he had done to me. Explained that he was a youth minister and every year he would take the boys aside and tells them story of my rape [my words not his, his were 'what happened'] as a teachable moment.

When I was fifteen years old, I snuck out of the house late at night with my best friend Lacie, Scott a guy who was my cousin by marriage, and another guy. The two boys had some moonshine. I drank enough of it to get extremely drunk in a short amount of time. Lacie and Scott were in the front seat. The other guy and I were in the back. We drove to the nearest city and got some Krispy Kreme doughnuts. We were on the ride back and pulled onto the onramp of the highway. As we went around the curve, I was slung onto Harry. He grabbed me by the back of my neck, unzipped his pants and stuck his penis in my mouth.

BITE IT! BITE THAT FUCKER OFF

I'm sure everyone out there is screaming. Let me tell you something. I DID. I bit. I chewed on it between my back molars. I tried hitting him, but I was tiny and he was HUGE. He eventually came in my mouth, pushing so far back into my throat it triggered my gag reflex. I suppose he could tell I was going to puke because he shoved me away. I banged against the car door and did my best to roll down the window before I puked all over everything. I didn't succeed.

By Monday morning, every one in school knew that I had given him a blow job. And from that moment on, I was a whore, slut, tramp, etc.

The next sexual encounter I had, I was 16. I didn't want to have sex with Lance. But I didn't say no. You know why? Because in my experience, saying NO didn't stop them. It was easier to say yes. At least that way I could tell myself I wanted to have sex.



Comments are welcome in the poll.

Comments

[ldthomps.livejournal.com]

My own good fortune polled, three of my closest friends (that I KNOW of) were all raped as kids - one male, two female - and I know so many other people who have told me that they're survivors of sexual assault of some sort. It's so enraging and awful on so many fronts that I feel like people sharing their stories is one of the Best things people can do to bring the truth to asshats like that.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

::squish::

I agree, sharing the experience has helped me get over it in so many ways. I'm able to talk about it now without using 'qualifiers' in my speech. And honestly? I credit my experience in fandom with that. Before I joined this group of amazing women from all walks of life, experience, and background; my world was limited to my own experiences. But sharing community with such a diverse group of people has broadened my worldview and given me vocabulary for things I couldn't admit to in life, much less talk about

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

I ammended the post to include my own stories btw, because you're right, sharing them is the only way

[ldthomps.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing your story - it's true, the more folks hear the stories, the more they know they're not alone, and that it's All personal and legitimate.

The talking about it and the sharing stories also helps to move beyond the shame and stuff that supresses it. I had a friend who recently told me her story, and how she couldn't tell her therapist cuz it showed how awful she was. Finally she told the therapist recently, and it's starting to be something she has a vocabulary for, an awful and bad Thing survived, and not just her awful secret. Part of what got her there was hearing friend's experiences, too. <3

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

<3s

[ldthomps.livejournal.com]

You rock, and I'm so sorry you went through any of that. But I'm so glad you found people who helped you come out of those times strong and awesome - and able to find the happiness you deserve.

[linaerys.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you went through that. Thank you for sharing your story.

I did every stupid thing, including ending up drunk in the apartment of my two male friends when I was 22 and they were 23 and 24. I was so drunk that I went in the shower with all my clothes on and came out, without turning off the water, half naked. They wrapped me in a towel and put me to sleep in one of their beds, I don't even remember which.

This could be a horrible story, but instead it just gave me a terrible hangover.

I'd hooked up with both of the guys at one point or another earlier. One of them wanted to date me.

This could be a horrible story, about how one or both of them raped me and how in the eyes of society I would have deserved it, what was I thinking, but instead it's a story of how I had good friends. I never questioned whether I'd be safe with them, and it turned out I didn't need to question it. I don't think they ever congratulated themselves for not being rapists either. They made fun of me a lot for getting so fucking drunk.

That's how every story like that should end.

One of those men is the Penguin, and I'm married to him now.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

I am happy yours had a happy ending. I wish it ended happily for everyone. If all we had to fear from lowering our inhibitions was a hangover the world would be a better place.

[gatekeeper1324.livejournal.com]

I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you! This should never happen to anyone ever. Hopefully through education and teachings in empathy, rape/assault/incest in time will become a thing of the past.

TTYAL,

ED.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

One can always hope :-)

[poisontaster]

Back when I lived in Chicago, and had a geographically closer social circle, we used to have female-only get togethers and I remember one in particular that was held at my house and looking around the room and realizing that, of the 20 or so women there, only TWO of them had not been sexually assaulted. And that 2 didn't include me, my mother or my aunt.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

It's a miracle any woman in the world can drag herself out of bed in the morning and function. I hope those two women who had not been assaulted still have the -- privilege isn't the right word, but it's the only one I can seem to grab hold of through the hangover -- haven't been sexually assaulted/raped. Since that night believed that the 1 in 4 statistic to be a horrific under representation of the facts, the more I speak about it with other women, the more I realize how wrong it is.

I'm sorry it happened to you and those you love

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

I never thought that what had happened was assault until very recently. I don't know why. Anyway, I was 24 years old working as a professional with an older male client. He was 80. At the end of our meeting, he made as if to hug me, which was not uncommon for my older male clients and I usually did hug them back then. In general they were just wanting grandpa-like hugs. This man kissed me, stuck his tongue in my mouth, and held me tight until I was able to pull away. My colleagues, mostly men, said, "You can't blame an old guy for trying."

In the past, I always felt like given the horrible things that happened to other people, being forced to kiss an 80 year old man wasn't worth complaining about. It was assault, though. I get that now.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

What an awful experience for you, I'm sorry that happened. And I'm even sorrier that your male co-workers didn't see anything wrong with it. I hate that the world we live in tries so hard to brain-wash us that we can't even realize it when we're assaulted.

[viverra-libro.livejournal.com]

It's odd how much my story's like yours, B. I was, oh, 15 I think? And fooling around with a boy after school, while in a deserted part of the school, basically in a carpeted hallway that had a bend in it and ended against the library doors which were locked. As soon as his penis got near my genitals, I started saying no, but he had me pinned -- I couldn't move my legs at all because of the way my jeans were positioned, and he just grabbed a wrist in each hand and that was it. About 2 minutes after he finished and I had my clothes rebuttoned, my dad came walking down the hall looking for me.

Afterward, I was stupid enough to write about it in my diary; I was just very confused about how i was supposed to feel. Of course my parents read my diary. They didn't tell me they'd read it for quite some time, but rather let me go on writing in it and reading what I'd written. Finally a guidance counselor took pity on me and let me know what was going on - I guess they'd been talking to her about me. I had hysterics, ripped out all the pages and disposed of them at school, and left the worst message I could think of for my parents in the remaining pages. They grounded me for a year and told me never to tell anyone what had happened. They made me feel so guilty that I remember wishing I could just drop through the surface of the earth and disappear.

Several years later, I was engaged to a guy that couldn't last more than about a minute and a half, and had a long list of rules about what Nice People did in bed. I, on the other hand had all these BDSM fantasies and was terribly sexually frustrated, and of course thought I was the one with the issues that needed fixing. So I asked my mom if she would ok therapy for me under her insurance so that I could talk to a therapist about the rape, because I thought there was something wrong with me as a result and that it was making it very difficult for me to make things work with my fiancé. She said that I didn't need therapy. I should just talk to a pastor, because that's what she did after my rape, and she felt much better afterwards.

It was 10 years before I stopped thinking about it every day, and probably another 5 or 8 before I was able to let it go completely.

The funny thing is that I only wrote one paragraph about the rape, and two about how my parents made me feel about it. That's really about right, in terms of relative significance in my life. But I'm fine now, truly. Even ok with my family, more or less. :)

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you have a good relationship with your parents now, I honestly don't know if I'd ever be able to forgive mine for treating me the way your parents did you. I've never told anyone I'm relate to about what happened to me -- I've never had therapy. It took me *years* to understand my own behavior after what I went through. My long stint of abstinence had as much to do with being a rape survivor than it did anything else.

::hugs::

[essene.livejournal.com]

Oh man. Thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry for the young you, and amazed by the wonderful woman you've become because of/in spite of what happened.

It's so sad to see this poll and see that so many people have been raped/sexually assaulted. Sex shouldn't be a weapon.

This is probably coming out all wrong--I have a tendency to do that lately--but I want you to know that I think it's important that you've put this out there for those of us who have been lucky (and it's been ALL luck) enough not to have had to be forced into sexual acts we didn't want to realize that it's even more prevalent than anyone thinks.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

You said everything just fine. Sex should never be a weapon, and yet it is. It's one of the biggest weapons in their arsenal against us. I really wish there was some magical way for every man in the world to experience a month or so as a woman. To understand what it's like to be in fear because you're physically weaker than someone. To understand what it's like to know no matter skilled or qualified you are you'll never make as much money. To understand what it feels like when your hormones cycle endlessly and you think you're going to die because of cramps.

I love men, but I really despise the built in advantages they have.

[kadymae.livejournal.com]

Sexually assaulted one Saturday morning (but not raped) by a neighbor kid (who was ... about 10) when I was 5. He ripped off all my clothes and I kicked and screamed and ran away and hid behind a house. He was right behind me, but about a second later my dad was there and his mother was right behind my dad.

He got his ass whipped all the way home.

My dad being my dad didn't think to pick me up or take his shirt off. Just held my hand as I walked, naked, and sobbing hysterically, through a gauntlet of neighbors. (It's not that he's heartless -- it's just that he's never known what to do around a crying/upset child.) The commotion woke my mother up (she had worked the night before) and she bawled my dad out for not picking me up or giving me his shirt or doing something other than what he did.

This being 1978, the neighbor kid was back over and playing with in a few days. Only, I was never allowed to be near him without an adult right there, go anywhere if he was tagging along, and my brother wasn't allowed to go to his house. Other than that, it was never talked about again.

The worst thing was, years later, when I was about 13, the kid across the street (his family moved in when I was 6) said that he wished he had seen that, because I must have "looked funny all naked like that." I was so incredibly hurt and angry that somebody would think that something so humiliating and terrifying was funny. I think I slapped him, or tried to slap him.

Needless to say, I've got mixed feelings about it all. It was handle, and honestly, I think that if it had been handled differently, it might have made it more traumatic.

On the other hand, I've been told by devohoneybee that I radiate a very strong sense of personal space. I think it has its roots in this incident. Instead of destroying or warping my notion of bodily autonomy, I went the other way.

Never. Again.

----

Also, thank you for sharing your story. And thank you to everybody else in the thread who has shared a story.

[turnonmyheels.livejournal.com]

I am sorry that happened to you, it must have been traumatizing on a *number* of levels. I can see that how the adults handled it prevented it from possibly being more traumatic. And yet I wonder if the boy actually learned something from the event or if you became just one of many other women he would violate in the future.

Thank you for sharing your story.